Stress Less for the Holidays

Here at the ASU Center for Mindfulness, Compassion and Resilience, we love the winter holidays. We look forward to time for reflection and gratitude, to visiting with friends and loved ones, to cocoa and cookies on cozy cool nights, to the nostalgia of old family recipes and childhood holiday movies, to celebration and tradition, and a bit of rest and renewal as we begin to wind down the year and look forward to the next. 

And if you visited our offices anytime this November, you'd have been treated to nonstop holiday music and the aroma of coffee and wintery spices.

Oh yes, we love this time of year.

At the same time, we recognize the winter holidays can leave us a little frazzled, too: the logistics of winter travel, the influx of in-laws and relatives, the rush of holiday shopping and gift-giving, the promise not to dry out the turkey this year.

We know, too, that the holidays can be a time of struggle for many: pinched budgets amidst high prices, our expectations to create the perfect holiday memories for our kids, the pang of loss for those we are separated from or who are no longer with us this holiday season.

If the season brings not just merriment but also bittersweet -- or even just bitter -- or loneliness, you're not alone. A 2020 study by the American Psychological Association found that a quarter of all Americans characterize themselves as 'extremely stressed' during the holiday season.

Top stressors include lack of time lack of money and pressure to give or receive gifts. Other common stressors include family drama, in-laws, broken relationships, loss, travel, taking time off work or school, seasonal affective disorder, obligation or the expectations of others, and guilt over feeling 'behind' in buying and sending gifts and cards.

These stressors can be boiled down to one thing: expectation. Explicitly or otherwise, we tend to place a lot of expectation on ourselves during this season.

Given the myriad potential stressors, how can we take care of ourselves and those close to us this holiday season? We can be mindful, offering gratitude, acceptance, empathy and compassion. And we can hold fast to our own values and what the season represents in our own lives.

That means accepting imperfection, embracing satisfaction in ‘good enough’ and remembering what matters.

We don’t have to accomplish everything on our holiday downtime 'to do' list or to look at resolutions as ‘all or nothing’ goals. We don’t have to host the ‘perfect’ holiday party or find the ‘right’ gift for someone. If the turkey is dry or the kids made a mess in the living room right before company arrives, that’s not going to ruin the occasion.

If the holidays are special to us because they evoke fond memories of childhood or have a spiritual significance, we can focus on the emotions associated with holidays past: the excitement and anticipation of opening gifts, the warmth and connection of seeing family and friends, or the spiritual succor of following meaningful traditions. If flight delays were a nightmare on our way to grandma's house, we can focus instead on how much it means for us to get to spend time with her -- even if getting there is a little vexing.

It also means acknowledging and sitting with what is stressing us out, specifically (and giving ourselves permission to feel this way).

Stress is the neurological and biochemical responses by our brain and our body to a perceived danger. Essentially, stress is a form of fear. When we’re under extreme, prolonged stress, all our stressors -- big and small, genuinely critical and minor -- conflate into a spiral of catastrophizing. When we are unaccustomed to sitting with and parsing out what constitutes our stress, everything can feel overwhelming. By taking the time to really examine our stressors -- asking ourselves ‘what am I fearful of right now’ -- we can pinpoint the sources of our anxieties and realize they may not be so critical. It's only a dry turkey, after all, not the end of the world.

With so much of the stress of holidays being tied up in our own expectations (often of ourselves), it's important to be realistic and flexible.

When it comes to seasons so entrenched in tradition or memory, it's easy to fall into the mindset that our holidays need to be 'perfect' or 'just like last year'. Remember, as families grow and change (or pandemics disrupt what we think of as 'normal'), traditions and rituals often change, too. A part of being mindful is examining and choosing what we want to hold onto and letting the rest go -- it may not be the custom that is important, but the meaning we ascribe to it and the people who are a part of it.

If this holiday season finds us apart from our loved ones, we can still reflect on precious moments past, or allow ourselves to feel gratitude and solace for the love and connections we do have in our lives. If the budget dictates we forego a few gifts under the tree or our traditional holiday pastimes, we can instead focus on what we can do: crafting creative but meaningful gifts with our children (making wonderful memories in the process), appreciating the extra time simply being with our loved ones, or creating new traditions.

Sometimes, making more of the season means doing less. Set boundaries and be okay saying ‘no’ occasionally -- both to yourself and others.

We can’t attend every holiday festivity we’re invited to or spend equal time with all family members and friends. We can’t purchase every gift we want to, and we can’t simultaneously be as productive as we want and enjoy quality time with loved ones and recharge mentally, physically and emotionally.

Going into the holiday season, reflecting on what we're excited for -- or some mild goal-setting around what we want to accomplish -- can help us prioritize and best direct our energy. Are we looking for reconnection to family? Celebrating the successes of the past year? Creating memories with our children or new partners? Catching up on rest and re-energizing ourselves for a new year or semester? Embracing and giving thanks for the things that have been bountiful in our lives? Connecting with our spirituality? Making sure our bank account makes it intact to the new year? Depending on what we want to get out of the holidays, it might not make sense to take up every invitation, offer, or project.

The holidays can be a bit chaotic, so it's important to take the time to re-center ourselves.

Inherently, most of us like a degree of certainty and routine in our lives. It provides a sense of safety, control and agency. In the holiday rush, it's easy to lose track of the routines that give us structure and balance in our lives: we skip workouts, demolish meal plans or caloric intake goals, or run ourselves ragged making sure our families have the 'perfect' holiday or using our 'downtime' to 'catch up' on projects we've neglected all year.

Finding the time to tend to our self-care -- whether it be five minutes of quiet meditation or sitting in reflection or gratitude or sticking to your exercise regimen or getting a bit of fresh air and sunlight outdoors -- can help us find the equanimity to navigate our holiday stressors. 

Finally, we also have to recognize that sometimes we (or others around us) don't feel we have a lot to be thankful for, to be merry about, or particularly look to the next year with optimism or as a cause for celebration -- and that this is okay, too.

If life circumstances mean this holiday season has you feeling a little more Grinchy or humbug-y than jolly, it's alright to own that. A core tenet of mindfulness practice we teach here at Center is that acceptance of our present moment is vital -- and if the present moment doesn't have you inclined to celebration, acknowledge it. Offer yourself compassion, recognizing that maybe it's been a challenging year, and know it's alright to feel less than festive right now.

Above all else, it's important to protect your own energy. If that means declining invitations to holiday festivities or politely explaining to your loved ones why you don't feel celebratory this year, that's just fine. Sometimes, self-compassion is the most generous gift we can give ourselves. The same goes for others, too: if our attempts to spread holiday cheer are met with less-than-enthusiasm, the kindest holiday wish we can offer is solace and understanding.

Ultimately, like every experience in life, the holiday season is ours to make of what we will. Whatever meaning this time of year has and represents for us, taking a mindful and reflective approach of gratitude, acceptance, empathy and compassion can help us make the very brightest, warmest, and best of it.